Keeping On

Recently, I have tried out a few new activities.  Nothing major; I have not scaled Everest (though I do intend to have another crack at Helvellyn over the summer) or swum the channel (though I did get to point out to a colleague that 'swum' is the correct form of the verb, thank-you very much, in a totally unconnected conversation).  Perhaps I will build up to something larger, or perhaps I won't.  Swimming the channel seems a little steep as far as my current goals go.

Instead, I made an axe.  It was an activity at a bush-craft fair (another new experience) and involved five hours of sledgehammers and heat.  Lots of heat.  Little old ladies kept wandering past the furnace, which was just wonderful, what with the sparks and hot metal, and I had to move a lot faster than I was comfortable with in order to get the metal to the anvil in time to hit it.  The vibrations from the sledge-hammer left my hands in such a cramped, stiffened state that I couldn't turn the car-key one-handed for a week.  It turns out those opposable thumbs really come in handy in many situations, and suddenly I had lost the use of mine for anything which required gripping.

It was worth it, though.

Making something I had never attempted to make before was fascinating.  I learnt I am good at swinging a sledge-hammer, so if I ever feel the need to pound in fence-posts, I should be fine.  Basking in the glow of accomplishment felt good.

For about two days.

After that, I started thinking I was wasting my time, not taking things any further.  Not that smithing was something I had in mind, but I should be achieving something, surely.

Next, I have joined an archery club.  In just a couple of weeks, I already have a whole load of new terms to use and tips to think over.  Unlike the axe-making, this is something I can keep doing, as long as I buy a bow and join the various associations.  So far, it is engaging and satisfying.  I am not always hitting the target, but I am getting better at being consistent, and at knowing what I have done which needs correctly, so yay me!

Yesterday, I watched some of the archery world championships.  Now I feel like I need to learn to hit gold every time or else quit.

This is something I do a lot.  I do it at work, with my writing, with painting...with everything, really.  That 'it's perfect or it's a failure' thing kicks in.  After years of this damaging my enjoyment and involvement in hobbies and activities, I am really trying just to go with the task before me and take it for what it is, without projecting ahead.  I am not going to be in the archery world cup.  I don't even want to be in the archery world cup.  I am going to turn up, shoot some arrows, try to let the bow fall forwards as the arrow is released, and enjoy it.  That's it.

It is not a philosophy I am having as much luck attaching to my writing.  Taking it a bit at a time is fine, but I am at the stage in my WIP where I am starting to think about sending it out.  Not yet.  It still needs work.  But soon.  I am assailed by doubt that it is ready for its world cup, and that is stopping me from getting on and making it as good as I can.

I suppose I am just going to have to try and keep aiming at the individual targets (finish this chapter, finish this draft, revise this draft...) instead of rushing my mind's-eye ahead to the potential end, but it is hard to do.  I really want to hit that gold.